Handwritten
by Erizabesu765
Summary: #Tuckson reunion fic inspired by the promo for 21x12. Oneshot, but could become more depending on feedback.


**HANDWRITTEN**

**With Tucker due to make a reappearance this week, I was inspired to write a #Tuckson reunion fic. Based roughly on the promo for 21x12. After some reflection, Tucker appears at Olivia's doorstep to deliver something. What is it? And how will she react?**

* * *

The job was never easy, and she knew it never would be, but cases that involved the death of a fellow officer were often the hardest. They seemed to linger in her thoughts for longer than the rest. She took another sip of wine, hoping to blur the edges of the vivid wormhole her mind often disappeared down. The events of the week forced her to reflect on her own mortality as a cop and the decisions she made throughout her career. While some sacrifices had been easy, others were made with a heavy heart, and seeing Ed after all these years was a blunt reminder of the latter.

Every night, after Noah went to bed, her apartment became a scary place, filled with doubt and memories, and the silence to explore them both. It was the same each day. She always felt consumed by compromise-either at work, or at home. To be the best Captain or the mother required her omnipresence, something that was impossible. And thus, the struggle to balance all the plates and keep them spinning often left her exhausted. She needed to be everything for everyone, but who would be there for her? Fortunately, before her mental excavation could become too painful, there was a knocking at the door. The interruption was unexpected, but not unwelcome.

'Ed?' There was confusion in her voice. In her haste to relieve her mind from its thoughts, she'd risen from her seat, moved from the couch to the door and opened it without even checking who was on the other side. Despite sounding startled, a faint smile on her face told Ed that his presence, while unexpected, maybe wasn't unwelcomed.

"Hey. I'm sorry. I know it's late. I-I just…" His voice trailed off and eyes wandered to the floor, as a faint hint of regret surfaced in his mind and stole his words. It took three drinks for him to write the letter, then another for him to reach her doorstep, but maybe he needed a fifth to actually give it to her. _Pull yourself together, Ed. _He shook his head and brought himself back into the moment only to find Olivia staring at him with a look of confusion that was completely warranted. "Letter." _Really? That's the best you could come up with? _Ed began to blush from the awkwardness of the situation. It was 11 pm on a Thursday night and he'd shown up unannounced at his ex-girlfriend's house, barely able to string a coherent sentence together.

"A letter?" She questioned. He never understood how, but Olivia's voice always introduced some much needed calm to his life. It was the most soothing of sounds and at its best, had the power to turn the most destructive of waves into mere ripples.

"It's for you." _State the obvious, dumbass._ He held up the envelope, revealing a scrawl of black ink that read '_Olivia'. _Her eyes flickered between his eyes and the contents of his hand, as she tried to process exactly what was happening. As her stare finally fixed on his, the eye contact was too much for him. He felt like her gaze went straight to his soul and he wasn't ready to be that vulnerable. Overwhelmed, his eyes shifted to the ground again as he sheepishly shuffled his feet. "You know I'm not much of a talker, but-I..." It was happening again, any words he planned to say were fading from his mind, and then he was alone, existing on the blank page that was left behind. "Just read this, would ya? For old times' sake?" He gave her the look. It was the same look that caught her attention the first time they shared a drink, the one of compassion that he flashed when he revealed his softer side.

"Okay."

Ed opened his mouth, and was ready to plead his case before registering Olivia's agreement. _She said okay. _Things were never easy for them in the past, and he expected this exchange to be no different, but then again, she was always surprising him. "Okay," he repeated with a small nod. He gestured the letter forward, and she reached for it with an unsure smile. As he placed the envelope in her hand, her skin brushed against his, causing them both to stiffen. Tense-neither Ed, nor Olivia knew how to react. While they had always found comfort in each other's touch, this was something that time and circumstance forced them to forget. She had been his solace, and he had been hers, but they weren't there anymore. Things were different now, they were in a new place, and revisiting the old one made their hearts collectively wrench. A cloud of anxiety formed around them. It infiltrated their thoughts, hearts and lungs, suffocating them. Struggling to survive, Ed pulled his hand away while they still had some air to breathe. The distance grew between them, and as it did they each flashed a smile of obligation to put the other at ease.

"Goodnight, Olivia Benson." He turned to make his way back down the hallway, and as he did, a bitter sense of _deja vu _consumed him. He didn't like to dwell on the past, but this week was one heavy with nostalgia. Memories of the last time he walked away flooded his mind and suddenly all those feelings be buried, deep, deep within himself, weren't quite so easy to hide.

"Goodnight, Ed Tucker." _She said goodbye. _Somehow, those three words pulled him back from the edge of his emotions. The silence of their last parting was something that still haunted him. No matter how hard he tried, he could never shake that feeling of regret at all the things that were left unsaid. _She said goodbye this time. _He hoped he would see her again, but if not, he at least had some closure now. While, walking away was no easier the second time around, he at least knew it was a pain he could survive.

As Olivia closed her door, she let out a sigh before returning to her couch. She fondly remembered a simpler time, just five minutes ago, where her thoughts were the scariest thing in the room. Now, there was this mysterious letter-an envelope with her name on it that was seemingly so innocent, yet to her inexplicably threatening. She began to peel it open, and as she did, nerves consumed her… Or was it excitement?

"_Olivia, _

_I think we can both agree that words don't always come easy for me, but one word I can't seem to shake is 'bittersweet'. This week; seeing you; it's been bittersweet. Even after all this time, the thought of you still makes me smile. That is until I remember how we lost each other. That day, when I left your apartment, I hoped it wouldn't be our last goodbye. But as time passed, I realised that's exactly what it was-we were over. Walking out your door was tough, and closing it behind me was even harder because I knew I was leaving the best part of me behind. _

_It took a little time, but eventually, I made peace with the fact you were gone. At first, I thought about you every day, but the more time went by, the less I found myself thinking of you-and as the memories faded, so did the pain. In fact, up until this week, I'm not sure I felt much of anything these past few years. It's like I used up all my emotions when we were together, and then everything I felt was just a weaker version of what I knew it could be. _

_You see, I wanted to leave the job to be with you because you gave me new priorities; because, for the first time, home was a place I wanted to be; because I finally realised there was more to life than the shield. I might have been hated by half of the NYPD, but it didn't matter because you loved me. In fact, nothing else mattered anymore-not the good for nothing cops I arrested or the lying, cheating ex-wife or anyone else on this planet. It was just us-you, me and Noah. That was the only world I needed. _

_But then you were gone, and once that happened, I realised you were all I had. Not only did I have nothing, but in a way, I was nothing. I just went back to being the guy everybody hated. I'm not saying you were responsible for that, and I'm not looking for anyone to blame. None of this was your fault, or mine-sometimes these things just happen. At some point, we went from growing together to growing apart, and both of us were too preoccupied to notice. Then, by the time we did, it was too late. At least, that's what I tell myself. _

_I'm not really sure why I'm writing you this letter. I guess, I just couldn't walk out your life again without saying something. I already did that once, and honestly, it's been killing me ever since. I once told you I wasn't going anywhere, and I meant that. I know I walked away when I should have put up a fight, and I can't change that now. All I can do is promise-if you ever need me, I am right here. _

_Love always, _

_Ed"_

By the time she finished the letter, she was crying. Lost in his words, she couldn't pinpoint the exact moment her tears started to flow, but it seemed there was no end to them now. She wanted to talk to him; to be with him; to hold him; but, he was gone. Once again, she let him walk out of her life. She clutched his letter to her heart. In his absence, it was all she could to be close to him. The phone was right beside her, all she had to do was call him, and he'd be right back at her doorstep. It was easy, yet somehow, the weight of a thousand regrets made picking up that phone next to impossible, even for someone as strong as Olivia Margaret Benson.


End file.
